Lately I have been really trying hard to be aware and present. I want to be present with everything that is going on around me. I’m turning 36 next month and I’ve breezed through too many days.
Way too many.
So I fight for every second for clarity. I need to step back, in my mind, and appreciate things a little bit at a time, step by step, each hour, each day. Piece by piece. Moment by moment. One person at a time.
I try to eat my food slowly. I let the heat of the sun melt me a little bit, even when it’s dim. I try to stop for a minute or two instead of just saying ‘good morning’.
It is incredible how much of a scam our scheduled lives are. I can tell you that, the way it’s all set up, we really don’t have much time for anything but ourselves. So we strive and we hustle to force ways to make our lives a little less painful and a lot more about ourselves. We cling on to stuff, or the way we see ourselves in a mirror, and we squeeze every last drop of happiness out of those things until they’re dead to us, or until something else comes along.
So lately I’ve just been kind of sick of the selfishness I see in my every day life. I miss people, caring for them, seeing them anew for the first time.
I have to work for it. I don’t gravitate to people, so it’s a fight. But if I don’t fight for my present, what is there left to live for? Tomorrow? My pay cheque? If we live for things that are just around the corner, then we fill our present with emptiness.
So I’ve slowed it down. In the stillness I see that I am aware of the nothingness in my life. The empty words, the scrolling, the quick stop for the quick hit of caffeine. The put the kids to bed quick so I can relax. Sorry, boys, no time for a story tonight. I need to lay down and wait for tomorrow.
What a scam. What a web of sin, sifting through life like it’s a box of candy and only wanting the red ones.
Some things I plan to implement to help me in the fight:
My kids are getting older. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I feel like I’m still 20, until I think about a memory I have of something and say to myself, “geez, that was 25 years ago.”
Of course, this attempt is going to be a massive fail most of the time. But I’ll kick at it for a while and see what good comes of it. It’s all a long run. Sip the water when you can to get to the next milestone at a good pace.
Ferris Bueller had it right. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Trying to share good words within a world of noise. Introverted, but I need people.